Weblog

Friday, 17 July 2009

  • Loner

    I have recently realized how much of a loner I am; how friendless I am. Most of my life, I mostly stayed home. I go to school and I do no afterschool activities. At school, I hang out with people who I thought were my friends. I'd talk to them sometimes and yeah. Just hang around.

    At a young age, I didn't attend parties that I was invited to. I would usually lie to the other kids saying that my parents wouldn't let me; when in fact they would. At a young age, my mother told me a lot of times that friends won't last forever and that most of them cannot be trusted.

    The only times I would go out of my house was when my parents went out, and I would go with them. Usually it was a family party or something of the sort. Nowadays, I would only go out when I am with my parents or with my boyfriend. There are some occasions when I am go out with my sister and her friends. 

    When I was in high school, I guess you could say I knew a lot of people. I would say to them and they would say hi back. I hung out with a group of people. They were pretty nice, or at least they were nice to me. There was another group of people I hung out with, but one of the main reasons I hung out with them was because I liked a guy there.

    So like I said, I recently found out how much of a loner I was. I was with a group of my friends a couple of days ago. The only reason I was with them in the first place was because one person in their group didn't want to go with them and they needed another person to make it even... 

    Even though I was just a last minute installment to their little group, and even though I wasn't really going to go with them in the first place, they were nice to me. They put up with me. As I was going home from our outing the whole day, I realized how much fun I had. They were family friends. They were close with each other. I was glad they took me with them.

    But then I thought of something. I thought of how I don't hang out with any of my friends from high school when I was in high school. The only time I ever hung out with them was during lunch in school and even then I still felt alone. They would only talk to me from time to time. I would just sit there and listen to them speak to each other and laugh.

    I guess I pushed anyone away who got close to me. In my mind, the only reason people even talked to me was because they felt sorry for me. I don't really know, and right now, I am quite afraid to know the real reason why they even spoke to me.

    As I look through some other people's myspace, I see pictures of my "friends" hanging out with each other. I wasn't really close with them I guess. But it just hurts to know that I am friendless.

    Sure I have family friends, but I don't even have at least one friend that I could turn to. Someone I can talk to, to share my feelings. Or a friend that goes to me for help. During my high school years, there were people who came to me for help, but those friendships never last. I always found something that I didn't like about them to push myself away from them...

    I could blame my mother for making me believe that I could never trust anyone, but I can't blame her. All I can blame is myself. I mean, look at my sister.She was told the same thing... yet... She has a lot of friends. A lot of her friends betray her and stuff, but she still has a lot of friends she can count on, while me... well, i live a boring friendless life.

Friday, 10 July 2009

  • Lumped

    So, today was another day... I got in trouble today because my dad wanted to eat lunch... and the rice was not yet cooked. It takes about 15-30 minutes to cook. My mom cooked it several hours ago. Me and my sister ate about an hour ago. I didn't check to see the rice cooker because my sister already did it. The rice wasn't cooked at the time... but there was cold rice... So we ate that... Apparently the rice cooker was no plugged in.

    I didn't know that because I didn't check the rice. Nor did i need to because the person before me did it already...

    So I got in trouble because i "didn't check to see the rice." FUCKING SHIT. So, I told me mother what had happened, and all she can say is "you guys didn't check the rice, and you guys didn't do anything about it." hello lady! Did you not hear what I just said!

    I hate always being lumped with the bitchass fucktard. seriously. how many fucking times do i have to explain myself for people to get it straight! And that bitch isn't going to get scolded for anything.... because my mother already scolded me, she already took out her anger on me... all the anger left will be long gone before my sister gets home. seriously, this is so unfair. but hey, what in life is fair? nothing. that's right... nothing in life is fair.

    you know, i already saw that this was going to be yet again another bad day... i already felt it.

    i was watching t.v. during when all this happened, and where was my sister? out... out doing god knows what... while im stuck here, taking all the blame that she caused...

    i thought it was over... i thought the lumping gone, but i was wrong. it's always going to be there. always going to make my life miserable...

    whenever my sister is at fault, whenever they are angry with her... they aways use the "you two"... the "you guys" .. and the "both of you" but thats mostly when she isn't home. when she's home there are times when it's just her... i can't believe this...

    oh wait yes I can believe it... this is why i'm suck an emotional wreck... you know, i can already tell.. i'm probably ggoing to be psychotic by the time i'm 30 or something... i could already tell. i'm totally going to be one of those people you see talking to themselves, those mentally disabled people that some people dispise...

    hopefully i die before that happens... hopefully someone would be kind enough to kill me before that happens.

    bye. going to mope my sorrow in video games...

Thursday, 25 June 2009

  • How Do You Break Up With a Guy

    How do you do it? I can't seem to find it in myself to do so. I have been going out with this guy for quite sometime now. Just a little over a year. It started out as a great love story. (Not really, but it was good.) I love hanging out with him and talking to him. But there was just a point in our relationship that took its toll.

    SEX.

    Sex messes up everything in life. Or at least when you aren't married and aren't planning to have kids and all that junk. We didn't do it. Only because I don't want to. I am strong believer of waiting until marriage. I mean sure, I can kind of act like I have some what of a perverted mind, but who isn't? It's called hormones.

    He claims that we are bound to do it some day. I for one don't think so...

    Okay, enough of sex... He has gotten to the point of boringness. I love him, I truly do, but sometimes I think my love only stretches as far as friendship. When I kiss him it's so uncomfortable, and I hate the fact that I have to act like I enjoy our time together...

    I mean, I do enjoy being with him, but I guess I am the type of person to only enjoy someone's company at a sort amount of time. There is no excitement in our outings. I would rather stay home and play video games. How pathetic is that?

    I don't want to hurt his feelings. I have done that already many times. All he's ever done to me, is bore me. I can't do this. A lot of people tell me I should just get on with it because I am an asshole. I seriously do think I am an asshole for keeping this for so long... I have always been such an asshole. UGH. I need to go hell already.

    So. I guess this is it...

Thursday, 06 March 2008

  • Always Has To Be Me

    Why is it in my family, if there is something wrong, I have to be the one to fix it. I don't get it at all. Is it because I am the oldest? I don't know. My sister isn't stupid. She can do things for herself you know.

    When there is something wrong with electronics, my family comes to me to fix it. Okay, I get it. I am good with electronics. Not all the time, but I know some stuff. If I don't know how to do it, my parents get mad. Just because I can't do shit doesn't mean they should get mad. It's not like I am superwoman or something. Also, why does it always have to be me. My sister isn't stupid you know. She knows how to fucking read a manual. She can do it too. It's just stupid that I am the one to do it.

    Today, my sister needed to clear her residency for school. The thing is my mother accidentally threw away the cable bill that my sister needed. My mother later on called me and told me to go call Cox Cable and ask to go get another one from them. What I don't fucking get is why do I have to do it? Why not little miss princess? It's like I'm some fucking slave in this place. (Not a real slave, I know others have had it worse then me, yada yada yada...) My sister has hands, she has a mouth and she has ears. She can use them and make herself useful and do it herself. My sister had the nerve to complain about how my mother fucked up on the stuff that she needed to get signed. All my school life, I had done all those papers for my parents. I was the one who filled it all out. All my parents had to do was sign on the line where it says "Parent Signature." Is she incompetent? NO. She can do them herself. If she didn't know what to put, it's called LOOKING IT UP. Dumbass.

    Another thing, today my father made me go with him and my sister to go get the stupid copy of the bill. I had to take off time off my fucking schedule for that bitch. (Yeah I called her bitch, I can call her all I want. She's my sister.) I had to study for a midterm tomorrow, and where did that get me? NO WHERE.

    It's always has to be me, to fucking get away from MY time for that dumb bitch.

    Everyday, I have to go drop off her friends home and she doesn't even ask. She asks right when she gets in the car, when she knows I can't say no, because they're already there. I can't just say no in front of their faces. I'm not that mean. Then there's yesterday. I was trying to fucking do my fucking homework. I went to my parents room, because there was more peace and quiet. My sister just all of a sudden comes in the room and watches television. Thanks to her I didn't finish one of them. There are times when I have to be SLEEP DEPRIVED because that bitch decides to do her homework at MIDNIGHT. As well as talking on the phone with her snoring boyfriend.

    My mother always told me to just be understanding, and just ignore her and let her be. That's just the way she is. Why do I have to be the one to put up with her? I'm not just some one to be pushed around, but then again I probably am.

    When I try to put my foot down, it doesn't work. This sucks.

Wednesday, 05 March 2008

  • The Reason

    Note: This blog has been rated for it's language. Please be warned. It is not suitable for those who do not like to see vulgarity and there are other stuff too I guess. I don't know.


    Welcome to my xanga. This is will be my first blog. I would first like to talk about why I chose the username "emotionallyfxcked." For most of my life, my emotions have taken the best of me. It has made people see me differently in each passing moment. My emotions take me to a next level that I wish never came. My emotions go too far. Sometimes far enough for me to go to the edge. (No, not the edge where I try to commit suicide, for some reason, people always assume that suicide has something to do with it.)

    There are times when I am happy, but my happiness goes way to far. People think I am some crazy person that's just smoked some weed.

    There are times when I get so mad, I take my anger out on anyone that is near. I hate myself when I am mad. I am like another person. As if some one has taken over my body and replaced my soul with theirs.

    There are times when I get so sad, I almost commit suicide. I feel like there is nothing for me in my life that is going to be good for the future of this world. I cry myself to sleep to make myself feel better, though sometimes it doesn't work.

    When I get hungry, I get mad and sad. I throw fits and I have a high pitched voice that I use on my mother.

    My emotions are out of control sometimes. I don't really know what is wrong with me. I tend to hate people I know I shouldn't have to hate. I make fun of people even though they did nothing wrong to me. I am emotionally fucked. I get irritated easily, when there is nothing to be irritated about.

    I get mad even though there is nothing to be mad about. I get sad over the littlest thing. I cry over something stupid.

    That's all I have to say I guess. I was probably redundant some parts. I don't remember. Whatever. I guess there wasn't that much vulgarity, but whatever. I though there would be.

Archives

Don't worry - your calendar is here… to see it in action just click "Save" above and refresh the page.